Is my thesis not evident?

[girlgirl90210]

This is a research paper for my 11th grade English class, and I can usually write wonderful papers. I'm in a college writing class and I receive A's on a majority of my papers. However, research papers are not my strongest point. Can someone help me incorporate a stronger thesis in my paper? Thank You!

DNGRS OF TXT MSGS
In 2006, 158 billion text messages were sent nationwide as stated by CTIA, the wireless association. Seventeen Magazine 1,000 sixteen and seventeen year olds and reported that 46% percent of them admit to text messaging while driving, and 51% admit to talking on their cell phone while driving. PRNewswire.com claims that “Recent teen driving tragedies involving text messaging while driving are evidence that driving distractions are becoming as prevalent as drinking and driving.” According to a national survey of more than 900 teens with driver’s licenses from 26 national high schools, 37% of teens rated text messaging “extremely” or “very” distracting while driving; others most likely are not admitting that it is a distraction.
Teens claim that they “text-to-death”, but do they realize they are literally text messaging to their death? There is no statistic on how many deaths per year there are from text messaging distractions and 63% of teens do not admit that text messaging distracts them. A lot of teens have acquired the skill to text message without looking, which is not as harmful as long as they keep their eyes on the road.
Rob Callender, trends director for Teenage Research Unlimited, stated, “It’s a form of silent communication; they can do it whenever, they can do it fairly secretively.” He added, in a recent study (May 20, 2007) TRU found text messaging the second most popular use for cell phones next to using them to check the time. Teens like to text message because it is secretive, parents cannot hear it, teachers cannot hear it and the messages sent are not shown up on bills.
According to dailycommercial.com, Emilee Cox, a fourteen year old freshman holds the record for 35,463 text messages in one month. If young teens are text messaging that much it can only mean trouble for the future. If teens are not thinking clearly, they are bound to get on the road and text message, which will not be good for everyone else on the road.
While some states are still allowing drivers of all ages use their cell phone while driving, other states have banned it. “California, Connecticut, New York, New Jersey and Washington are the only states that have bans on all drivers using hand-held phones.”, according to an article in Land Line Magazine. It goes on to say “With the exception of New York, each of these also prohibits text messaging. Alaska, Louisiana and Minnesota have their own text messaging bans. In addition the articles mentions, “17 states forbid young drivers to use phones while behind the wheel.”, although not mentioning which specific “17 states” forbid it.
Driving behavior is not always a teen’s fault alone, they learn from their parents. 62% of teens admit that their parents talk on their cell phone while driving, 48% say their parents speed and 31% say their parents do not wear a seat belt (PRNewswire.com). Driving is a habit picked up just like any other habit. Parents are role models for their children and should try and set a better example while driving. Stricter consequences for their children to not use cell phones while driving should also be set. Although most teens have enough common sense to set their own rules and guidelines for driving, their parents should be the ones setting a prime example and enforcing strict rules with consequences following if the rules are broken.
William Van Tassel, PhD, manager of AAA Driver Training states, “Motor vehicle crashes are the number one killer of teens claiming more than 6,000 fifteen to twenty year-olds each year. Inexperience behind the wheel coupled with poor decision making construct additional reasons for teens to stay focused while they are driving. Their attention should not be divided among phones, friends and the road.” (RISMedia).
Text messaging is becoming a popular pastime and a dangerous one at that; many teens are driving around daily text messaging at the wheel and it is not safe. The statistics show that plenty of teens do it and that it is clearly an un-safe distraction. If bills to ban phone usage on the road are passed by more states, research shows the road will be a safer place.


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[Jo_Anne_J]

The biggest problem I see is that you don't actually state your thesis until your conclusion, which I assume is that texting while driving needs to be banned to keep the roads a safer place.  You need to state that near the beginning so that the reader is clear about why you are providing all those statistics.

I would move from the introduction to the section about why teens text, and develop that a little more.  You state that they text because it is secretive, but surely there are other reasons.  Perhaps they feel bolder not speaking to somebody in person; perhaps because they can get away with it in school; perhaps because it allows them to hold multiple conversations at the same time.  Your sources should have a little more information on that.

I would then move to your statistics on teen driving and texting.  Be careful here though.  You currently list statistic after statistic, with no apparent reason for them.  A better form would be to make a statement, then back it up with a statistic.  For example:  Some states are aware of the dangers of texting and driving and have taken legislative action to protect their citizens.  “California, Connecticut, New York, New Jersey and Washington [...] have bans on all drivers using hand-held phones," (Land Line, pg#).   

Just a trivial side note, try using inline references, like in the example I just gave you.  It might reduce your word count, but your paper will flow much more nicely without all the "according to" and "so and so says". 

Next, move into the driving safety section.  Begin by offering a little bit of data about teen drivers, then relate that to behavior learned from their parents.  Clearly, if parents are teaching their children to drive, they are influencing the type of drivers the children will become.  Good job making that connection.

Your conclusion is effective, but a little dry.  It would be fantastic if you could include a true story about a teen driver who caused an accident because he or she was using their cell phone, and offer that as a moral or a natural conclusion to the grander argument about cell phone safety.

Best wishes to you!


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[David_N]

I'm a bit confused by your description.  Can you EVER reach the Internet?  If not, your router may not be logging in to your Internet provider.

If you mean the router can't STAY connected, then remove the router and connect directly to the modem. Of course, you would need to log in to the provider manually.  They can help you with this.  If that does not work any better, blame your Internet provider or the modem.


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